Life is full of ironies.
I don’t know if I should be glad am not treating any major/minor ailment regarding my TTC or be frustrated that despite several medical tests , fertility boosting medication, charting, reproductive assisted techniques its been all futile. I have prayed, fasted, praised and attended several church services. I don tire…..,
I don’t want to give up but at times, it’s really difficult not to feel like shouting at God. If it was in the hands of my earthly father, he would have given me a truckload of children, male and female. *I go don dey beg say it has do sef*
Matthew 7:11 “If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?”
It started at the check-in counter…mothers with their babies, fathers with their children, my heart broke, like literally broke into a million pieces…it was just me and Hubby, no baby pusher, no children …I felt totally empty. I packed my broken heart, cuddled Hubby throughout the flight and muttered prayers intermittently as we made the long journey. Infact, at a point during the flight I asked him if we could adopt a child, so we won’t have to travel “solo” again….. (that’s selfish of me abi, wanting a child to travel with)
I enjoyed the holiday, except for times when I had to shop for friends with new born babies. I kept asking God when will I shop for my kids, when will Hubby push a buggy in a store. It’s all good, I tell myself. My time is coming.
Habakkuk 2:3b“…….though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.”
Then Auntie Flow came during the holidays rubbing in the fact that 2012 is gone and it has being twelve months of Little-Red-Riding-Hood visiting even though she’s not welcome.
Fast forward……Holiday over…….. and I had to spend the return leg of my flight with a family of 6 on the same row. The family had 4 kids, (boys and girls), walahi, I don’t know why the devil decided to tempt me so or show me my emptiness? I stared at the kids throughout the flight to the extent that they knew I was staring. I just couldn’t take my eyes off them. It dawned on me why some people steal babies, I almost asked the father to dash me one of his children. How can one person have 4 children and here I am asking for 1 child? This life is surely not fair. I was hurting during that trip so much I could only ask God for grace to start the New Year believing him for my own miracle. At immigration, I almost buckled under the hurt. I had to tell myself to chin up….it’s just the beginning of the year and God has just started with me.
Hubby has been so supportive through these years. He has never ruffled my nest regarding our TTC, he’s being my pillar. I wish it was in my hands, to give life, to cause conception to occur, to carry to term and bring forth. I know he would glow brighter when we finally bring forth our own children. I desire to give him his own child, his own flesh and blood.
I shouldn’t even start thinking of the fact that my body is aging….. there’s so much a girl can take……… hmmmm…..It is well.