SPEECHLESS

There was a time when the thought of getting married and becoming pregnant was scary. I just couldn’t process the thought. I was young, naive and a husband and baby weren’t in the picture. I had the world to conquer. Strangely though, I got married in my mid-twenties and I still can’t fathom when the mind shift happened. I found love, got married but couldn’t bring myself to face the “after-marriage-comes-babies” sequence. I told Hubby I didn’t want to get pregnant and we agreed we won’t start trying for a baby until some months into the marriage. I felt I couldn’t take care of a child, I was scared. Don’t get me wrong, I love babies, I adore them and find those chubby cheeks irresistible. I just didn’t want to have them in my space 24-7...no breaks, no weekends. I wasn’t ready to be a parent.

I think I got pregnant after the first month of marriage because Aunty Flo didn’t visit when she was due, after 2 weeks, I was scared silly and asked a doctor friend to prescribe pills to make Aunty Flo visit. I took the pill and as sure as dawn, Aunty Flo came 24hrs...phew...it was a close shave.

About a year later, we started trying to conceive consciously. Like play, like play, it seemed Aunty Flo had given herself a monthly residence in our abode...the more we tried to keep her out, the more determined she was to continue her monthly visit. Then, the tests started, the prayers ,the ARTs, the medication and then more prayers laced with fasting. I lost my faith and found it several times during my TTC journey. I cried, I ached and I thought I would die but God kept me. I lost count of how many times I lashed out at God and my Hubby, there was no pretence with them, while I seemed calm to the outside world.

I found peace along the line, I knew it wasn’t me...it was a grace beyond my frailty. I remember once, a friend said, “Sykik, you don’t behave like someone who’s looking for a child”. Many women saw me and asked how I can be so calm and composed........I smiled and always said “when you want something so badly that you have done everything within your physical might and realise it’s beyond your power, you just can’t help but say I don’t give up, but I am sure going to live my life”. I used my blog as an outlet to pour out my heart wrenching emotions, my blog helped keep my sanity.

There was also the several, “Sykik, I know a doctor” or “Sykik, my pastor said”, or “Sykik, my church is having a programme”. I felt trapped with the unsolicited phone numbers, prayers and advice. Then there were times during church service when the pastor will ask women who are waiting for the fruit of the womb to step out........what about the men?  I was an “aluta” TTC mama...I didn’t want to be cloaked into the regular TTC woman. I wanted to pray without being compelled to pray, I wanted to talk to people without being drowned with advices about the best sex position to keep the sperm inside the vayjayjay...,.....kai, ........the list is endless.............

Sykik's Song of Praise

Luke 1

…47And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior. 48"For He has had regard for the humble state of His bondslave; For behold, from this time on all generations will count me blessed. 49"For the Mighty One has done great things for me; And holy is His name.…

 

What is this post about sef......... it’s to announce that Sykik is now "mama bornboy". Baby’s birth was some months ago.