ABEG, ABEG, I AM FACING MY WORK

Valentine celebration was different.…., I am not yet old and grey, teeth never comot for my mouth and I didn’t get any “shokolate”, this must be the work of my enemies. Please someone should write Hubby a memo that Sykik, a-la Mama Bomboy is still waiting for “shokolate” oh, and he shouldn’t worry, shokolate doesn’t enter breast milk.

By the way, when did Naija babes start accepting roses as gift? I don’t mean plastic rose oh, that one is for secondary school love. I mean all those roses that Naija weather doesn’t allow remain fresh and to scent well-well ……. I hope babes are not on a “forming levels”.

I was “face booking” ^{*looking for gist*} on my timeline when one love poem caught my attention……my heart froze….it’s a lie……what am I reading…..Jesus wept……my friend is writing love poem to her husband.

Habatically, come and see America wonder oh….this is the same husband that pounded her like yam with punches because she went and disgraced him at owambe where he went with his mistress…….the “two both” of them even wore uniform to the party sef…..this my friend chop beating that day no be small…….Is it that she has forgotten so soon……..did the beating reset her brain to factory settings ni? …. see wetin valentine is causing…these are the “I-must-to-celebrate-valentyme” …… who is she fooling? ........…… anyways, make I drop comment before I am tagged bad belle. 

We women can like to pretend ehn, is too much, kilode…..some people will be envying this couple now not knowing all this facebook love is a charade.

How was your Valentine celebration, my fellow "celebrators" (kai, Sykik has started blowing grammar), did Le Bae or Boo do the needful?

VALENTINE RAMBLINGS

Valentine day was here and it’s gone, yea, neatly tucked away till 2016. How did you spend your Valentine’s Day? I know there are different categories of people concerning Val celebrations.

Those who don’t believe in it, these are the tough skinned, my-love-sees clearly, I-am-never-in-a-maze kind of persons. They are not the lovey-dovey, mushy personalities. They most often don’t believe in special dates like anniversaries and may often forget birthdays and special events. To them, they can celebrate love whenever, wherever and however without making a fuss about it. I want to believe they are mostly the focused, clear headed, I see beyond the facade kind of persons.

Those who don’t believe in it because they don’t have anyone to spend the day with are those who over the years have had their hearts broken, smashed and left in tatters. They are “relationship-less” and therefore claim not to believe in the essence of Valentine’s Day. This category of persons will switch sides once they find themselves dating again. They are like the weather; they see the sunny side of life when all is looking rosy and green.

Those of who are unrepentant “lovaholics” and celebrate it unhindered, I fall under this category. We are the advocates of love; we don’t have a reason to celebrate. We just love having gifts and sharing gifts. Also, I might add that under this category are the “follow-follow”, they don’t understand what the day is all about but will rather be caught dead not going with the flow.

And lastly those who are forced to celebrate it (Hubby falls under this category). This category of persons is arm twisted; blackmailed and threatened to celebrate Valentine’s Day. To them it is just a craze and farce by commercial vendors to get people to spend money by ascribing a special status to a day.  

I remember one time in the office that a delivery man brought roses, cake and chocolates to  one of my colleagues...when the delivery man came to the office and asked of her, she was “awwwing” and “haaaaaing”, everyone was peeping wondering where the roses, cake and chocolate came from. Babes begin to elongate their neck to read the tags and know who the mystery man was, as per we all knew she was “boyfriend–less” at this time.  Lo and behold, the florist must have made a mistake because they used her name as the sender and receiver of the roses...oh my days, she was taunted and I am sure she was embarrassed, I was ashamed on her behalf....who in this day and age still does ^sh*t like this, and if you must do, the watch word is don’t be caught. That’s the day I know babes are not smiling at all.

I don’t think I want to be the babe without a gift for valentine but it has happened to me before, though we ended up having dinner later in the day. Will I go to the extreme and send a gift to myself...nope....will I mope.....I don’t think so, I am hyper like that, I have so much positive energy at times, it scares me as well.....just the same way that I can flip the coin at a short notice. I got the two extremes of introvert and extrovert personality.

Truth be told, I am not so crazy about Valentine celebration as I was some years ago, so I guess maybe Hubby’s prayers might work and I will outgrow it ....my Val celebration was low key when compared with previous years...no particular reason sha, Victoria island traffic was #doromegasuperstar.....and all those “small- small” children like Duru Aldophus Jnr ^*winks* just filled all the malls and fast food joints.  Shopping for groceries or any other item that day was so tasking, I am thinking of starting a campaign to restricting Valentine’s celebration to just the married and mature adults...kilode...because you want to buy plastic flower and Ferrero Rocher chocolate, you won’t let a whole Auntie Sykik see road again..... hehehehe..........there’s no respect again. Abeg, raise your hand if you support my advocacy, lol...Sykik is a confirmed “agbaya”.

I need to outgrow this Valentine fever because Hubby has jokingly said he hopes when I am old and grey and with no teeth to chop chocolate again, he will rest from Valentine’s Day celebration, (kai, to imagine that such a day will come) and maybe he will be giving me corned beef instead. I had to remind him that he’s some years older, so it’s reassuring that he will be old , grey and without teeth before me...I won’t even feed him with corned beef...I will five him grounded sardine...hehehehe.....old age Valentine love go sweet oh

MAMA SYKIK .....

I remember the day mama Sykik found a love letter in my closet.

Back in the days, love letters where the “ish”, it was the means through which boys wooed babes. I  have mentioned in some earlier posts that I was a late bloomer so I didn’t get boys paying attention to me till my undergrad years........there was the random boy, here and there but Mama Sykik played her “breathing down my back” role so well and co-opted my brothers into saving their sister’s purity till marriage.

There was this boy who had taken a big brother/boyfriend role over me in school, come to think of it he never toasted me sha. The boy had to change schools in our second year and so we were separated and there were no GSM phones then. It was a tough time for me, I felt lost and so when I got a letter from this bobo (he sent it through a student who had visited his school). I read the letter every day and mumuishly took the letter with me home during the holidays....somehow Mama Sykik poke nosed through my stuff and read the letter, this was a letter I kept well folded inside my bible (I had to keep the letter holy abi nau). Mama Sykik doesn’t understand that there is anything called boundaries or personal space. After this incident, I learnt the trick of Eneke the bird that “since men have learned to shoot without missing, he has learned to fly without perching." I learnt to keep my privacy from her prying eyes.

I got home from my Mum’s store that day and met Mama Sykik at the door, brandishing my love letter (she doesn’t waste time attacking) immediately I saw the letter, I died and travelled to heaven..........it was easier facing God than Mama Sykik, I swear. She was gangster like that.....all I heard again was

Mama Sykik: Sykik am I not talking to you

Sykik: Ma, what did you say ^{(My heart was skipping and I still couldn’t make sense of what she was saying)}

Mama Sykik: are you listening to me at all, since you are deaf, let me explain myself better

Mama Sykik delivered one of those her “abara” slap, “abara”- is a back slap that brings you out of a coma. It works; ask any Nigerian Yoruba girl who grew up in the 80s and 90s. That “abara” brought me back from my coma and I can’t remember what my explanation was, but I must have confessed to sins committed and uncommitted. I was made to promise to break up with this bobo and cease all form of communication. After the beating and threats of that day, I am sure I never spoke to any man except my brothers for weeks.

How do you break up with someone who never toasted you sef? I told bobo about the incident and we just remained discreet until Mama Sykik caught us again and this time around she drafted Papa Sykik to cast the “spell of boyfriend” from my life.

I love Mama Sykik and  wouldn’t trade her for anything, though back in the days I had no “relationship” with her because I felt her parenting methods were cruel but I won’t be half of  who I am today without that strict grooming. Papa Sykik blended her parenting skills with his modern methods which she felt was “ajebutterish” but see me today, I turned out right even if I have to say so myself.

Will I trade my growing up years  for anything......NO......will I train my child(ren) same way......not really......but I am certainly going to do some “abara” giving or how else will they know I am a Yoruba mummy...lol....and God loves a cheerful giver :) 

GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN

There’s this new craze for dieting among women, in my office, it’s a competition of who has the correct figure 8. I innocently hugged a female colleague some weeks ago, chai...it felt like she was in a strait jacket...don’t ask me how I know what a strait jacket feels like....her body felt like she was wearing iron cast round her body, she was so stiff, I couldn’t feel her skin...I guess that must have been body magic or body shapper......kai.......I quickly de-hugged her because I didn’t want to break my ribs.....it aint easy to be a woman. The desire to be seen as physically perfect has led to a lot of temporal or permanent body enhancements.

I am suspecting one babe in this my office oh, her name is Ekaette. Her ikebe looks too good to be true,the way her ikebe is positioned ehn, except she’s wearing bum pad it can’t be possible for ikebe to be that well rounded and be rotating the way it does........kilode....did God just concentrate on her ikebe alone during creation ni? That ikebe commands attention; you just can’t help but have your eyes follow the ikebe everywhere it goes. It’s a reflex action.  I don’t envy the men in my office at all, having to deal with this lady everyday is not a small something and that ikebe is a temptation you can’t help but fall for..... a case of the “the Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak”. Any day, I chop liver; I will ask her if I can touch the ikebe.....for my sanity I need to know if it’s real and how it feels like. Do you think it will be soft? I am thinking it must be silicon or bum pad....... don’t judge me, yes I am jealous small........hahahaha

Chai...there’s God oh...I “haff” spoil finish.......hahaha.......see Sykik fantasizing about another woman’s ikebe..........I cover my eyes with the blood of Jesus...I cover my mind with the blood of Jesus. I bind and cast my eyes from following Ekaette’s ikebe again in Jesus name, Father, you said in your word that we should ask so we can receive,  Father God , please give me my own ikebe..... Amen.......

I really need to ask God why he didn’t deem it fit to give me ikebe, what I presently have cannot be called ikebe...it is as flat as a frying pan....it can’t tempt a blind man sef.... :)